Try getting a sex toy and maybe your husbands vouyeristic tendencies will take over. Due to lack of connection I was always disgusted w myself and the way I would treat him. BUT when you combine weight gain with low passion, lack of motivation, monotonous routineyou get a stale sex life too which is hindered by a variety of things. hbspt.cta._relativeUrls=true;hbspt.cta.load(31983, 'b5946bb1-bbcf-4027-ba89-f058aacc29d5', {"useNewLoader":"true","region":"na1"}); Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face. Every category on that list above he has a check mark in. My husband calls me dude for years now, in the beginning it was all babe love and suddenly there are no sweet words. And putting a vibrator to my own self during intercourse feels like Im just getting myself off with a vibrator and isnt satisfying to me. It could help to get extra support, but whatever you do, have a chat with yourself about what you need and then talk to him without blame and clarity. She also knows how to take care of herself if needed, which I wish she was because she would be happier at least but that has also stopped too. I think he is so handsome and I always compliment him. However, as a man, I have to accept this situation and Im a bastard if I think otherwise. We married 6 months ago and when we would travel to see each other the sex was there. Women can have fantasies too and should not be ashamed of them, of asking for them. Marriages, where the husband checks out, are more likely to end in divorce. I wonder if porn has damaged his views of woman and beauty and sexuality. It will take work, but a little effort does go a long way. Any suggestions? Few things are as painful as love not being received. Who knew women were out there who would actually try to please a man because he asked nicely. Do you long to feel loved and wanted? Kids at 10 can go online and watch countless hours of hardcore sex of any variety. Might I suggest finding little ways to build in time-away Things like going on short walks, maybe having your kids stay with a family member for part of a dayOnly you know what will work, but little dates like I am suggesting can help immensely. Ignoring physical attraction when choosing a partner makes a relationship more likely to be temporary. Just had a lot to get off my mind. You deserve to be loved regardless of how you look. I know he watches porn and masturbate, At first it bothered me. There is usually little hand-holding. 25 pounds is the difference between him wanting me and not wanting me after i birthed our children. So last year I caught him online talking with girls trying to fulfill his kinky bedroom stuff because I dont have any interest in it anymore, and he didnt see why that was a problem at first. But he says hes never felt the attractive pull towards me. *Unwritten agreements about what marriage is and isnt (hidden expectations) My problem seems to be the opposite then most people here. We barely even have sex and he blames it on work. Hes doing this all while he teases me about having a dildoI am not begging for shit. Youll only know by talking. I guess Ill just have to wait for the next time. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. I didnt think I asked much, I love a girl in heels, I have bought some very sexy heels for her but she has no interest at all to wear any. I remember my ex husband would come home from work after a 12 hour shift and still be late getting home! Some people marry to please others, such as their parents. If this is an issue you recognize in your relationship, it will serve your relationship to have an open discussion about masturbation, sexual frequency, and your relationship. I ask this because its common for wed couples to put on weight (studies show 25-45 pounds to be normal). My best advice is to start talking to your partner. Do you offer counseling for boys or counseling for teens? Its really hitting my ego hard. In marital therapy, I always request that each partner attends at least one individual session. You could have lots of intimacy and love and fun. Lasting Love Connection offers top-ranked couples counseling services. Maybe your husband feels ashamed sexually? Have you considered telling him youre worried hes not attracted to you? Till our passion died. And because our bodies change, there is no way we can keep up with superficial ideas of attraction. Lanae I am sorry to hear that your relationship changed so dramatically after getting married. Its how often hed rather masturbate than have sex with you. For instance, maybe you started neglecting each other because . Do you offer weekend counseling appointments? And now Im thinking about this, like is this because he thinks im not attractive? He is slow to gain an erection and it doesnt last long. I also noticed that your partner is fairly good at sharing whats going on for him. Im so sad. Is your sex life suffering? I took it personally and it really hurt me. This is not a game- this is about putting yourself and your needs above his and realising that in order to be happy he must learn to respect you and your marriage- even if it takes tough love to get there. People start younger and younger with this addiction. Is it possible for a man to love and say he only wants yu and nobody else but not get hard? I plan to stay married and endure a sexless marriage. It was hard to begin but it was worse just dwelling on it and not solving anything between us. I on the other hand have always been weight-aware, work out regularly, and Im very health-minded. For all I know he watches porn when Im not home. Over the last year or so he really tried to make things better so I give him credit for that. Action is powerful. I try to take care of my appearance, Im not a 10 but Im not a 2 either. Other people marry for reasons of age and reproductionthey are fighting their biological clocks. hbspt.cta._relativeUrls=true;hbspt.cta.load(31983, 'a333ca39-e738-4d4b-b1b5-5ed8336dc1e0', {"useNewLoader":"true","region":"na1"}); What he finds arousing has been heavily influenced by his porn use. Are you making time to explore and get to know each other anew? I am not sure this is entirely the truth. In my experience, though, its usually the partner with little attraction that seems to find a lover. I hope this helps to clarify things a bit. LATE ENGR. RAYMOND ANTHONY ALEOGHO DOKPESI - Facebook Porn kills love. Me trying to get up will take to long he says. And he swears it isnt that he was unsatisfied with what we had. Maybe you arent speaking her love language(look it up if you arent sure). This article outlines the signs that your partner has lost interest or his desire for you. feeling sad for you.Move on and start a new life if possible. He was never a bad person I had everything I wanted in life except kids and my husband. I have cheated on my wife. Is it your husbands fault that you are no longer attracted to him, or is it also your damn fault for going outside the commitment you made to be faithful, and instead have gone out to find satisfaction with other people, real or imagined? Im sorry for what youre going through. When we express it, we risk rejection. I pursued him in the beginning. Yeah so it kinda bothers but mostly it hurts me so much im too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know personally or to him directly cos I feel like he would get angry me n might think im like a sex addict honestly I cant have sex every night but possibly like 2 times a week isnt asking for much.. but to him everything is dead I know he watches porn because I found videos on hes tablet.. we fought about it not because I have a prob with him watching it but because he would rather watch porn than b with me.. im not concieted but im very attractive.. even though im pregnant I havent gained much weight just the tummy.. If she craves attention then be the one to give it to her. These days I see examples of men being chivalrous, thoughtful and heroic every day, which I admire very much. But now he always wants to turn the lights off when we are intimate. My presence isnt something he can deny or hide anymore. You rarely talk Communication is key in any relationship, especially a marriage. My husband of five months snaps at me all the time and doesnt want anything to do with me. Im sorry your marriage isnt strong and Im sorry that you dont see a solution to your problems. What To Take Away What Readers Have To Say (200+) In a perfect world, one of the pleasures of marriage is an enjoyable and active sex life. It sounds like its really getting to you to do all these things thoughthat is a recipe for disaster. We do love eachother and have kids and grandkids. At first everything seems right and fun and serious, until one day after a year, i feel like he didnt look at me and initiate sex, then i found out that he had a sexchat with some random girls. Im 46 and my husband just turned 40. Like it was nothing. We can go for a month without his craving to have any sexual connection. He looks at me as the sweetest girl. I wanted to be with someone who wants me. She works at home 3 days a week and is here every weekend. The most satisfying answer I have found here. Like other women in their twenties. I would do it everyday if I could. A cold and distant partner doesnt mean the attraction is gone, but it does mean something. I was tired of not being good enough or chosen and I decided that Im the one who needed to decide whether I was good enough or not and choose myself. We can too easily fall into a rutI work until Im so tired that I just crash at the end of the night, and my husband enjoys movies until he is tired. Our house is never quiet. Until we started dating. Its quite normal for married couples to gain weightdoes that mean couples, individuals who want different shouldnt talk about it, or resign to asking for what helps them feel attracted absolutely not. How do I handle this? I thought I would have that county of women supporting each other. I am so frustrated and hurt. But then after I got back from hospital, I decided to check his phone again, and I was shocked again with the fact he had the sexchat application again, this he asked some random girls to have sex with no protection (condom). I have gave plenty of gifts, flowers and candy. You'll have to decide to ask your husband for a break or even a divorce or do all you can to save your marriage. Let's explore the eight most common reasons why husbands cheat on their wives: Reason #1: Feeling neglected. And as a little side note most women dont like being called dude by their husbands. But doing so is necessary in order to get him attracted to you again. Your article is absolutely 100% spot on. I have been in counseling for my shame issues, but we are so perfect together in the 99% parts of our life but that 1% of the sex department is broken and fractured and sadly make the other 99% seems miserable. Im so tired of having sex with myself as I can only get off from penetrative sex and I prefer to have a partner rather than an inanimate object. Men and women alike can find themselves feeling dissatisfied for many reasons. He has never taken me anywhere romantic or done anything romantic. The spark seems gone. My husband seems to be turned on ut i cant figure out of its because am starting it and he feels he need to act it or not. As well, my stomach muscles have completely separated from each other and have about a 6 inch gap between them now.. which all the surgeons Ive seen are too scared to try and fix.. Ive seen 4 so far.So I know I went from having a perfect, flat stomach, to now looking 8 months pregnant all the time. I lost the weight; starving and kept it off for years. Been married for almost 8 years and it has been going on for 7 years. I dont ask because I dont want her to feel uneasy, but Im usually good with weight estimates. He doesnt make me feel intimate. As a fateful husband of almost 25 years its not always the man. But things got a little better in the bedroom. He spends a lot of the time gaming and talking with his online friends (guys). If you can afford a place for the night on the water, rent one. After that, the options become relatively narrow you either try counseling, leave, or continue with how things have been. Ive asked him if he wants to leave he says no Im the love of his life Im not sure if hes punishing me for taking away his playmate. In my time sitting with many couples (close to 1,000 as of 2020), this is something Ive heard before. Im 35, hes 38 weve been married for 5 years. Dont choose the marriage over your life. Partners are learning about each other, changing, and realizing a lot about yourselves and the other. Only you know what you want. After youve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, its time to consider something more radical. He says there is nothing wrong but I feel differently. So I choose to forgive him but I cant help but feel he is still lying and is not physically attracted to me anymore because Ive had 3 kids and my body isnt the same as when we met hes even hinted weight loss. When I hear you say, maybe I would be better off alone rather than putting so much energy into a relationship that isnt reciprocal I take that to mean that your partners low libido and your sexual frustration have stronger undertones that extend outside of the bedroom Almost every single time I approach intimacy problems with couples, we always uncover other underlying issues. Meanwhile, my desire for sex has gone to zero, and even though I know I am an attractive woman, I have come to see myself as ugly and hate my body after half a decade of rejection from my husband. When Janice is mad at him she gives him the silent treatment for days at a time. Expectations change etc. Learn to deepthroat. In her bio, she proclaims, "We empower women here." In a recent post, Cresta declared, "Fellas, I wanna make a little PSA here . I simply aged better then them. He kept saying he was tired or had performance anxiety. But even if he isnt cheating, what matters is how you feel. As crazy as it sounds it made us better and for each other. But Im still pretty. We can do nothing everything hurts. I asked dhim if there was anything new he wanted to try. Baby was a week late, I had to be induced, this was my first child I was scared shitless. The gawking, the ridiculous smiles, the standing over me at my desk, the looking at my chest as I was talking, and then, gravity who was not my friend. I love him more than he could ever know. I wasnt sure why until I brought it up with him. Had four amazing kids, kept up my appearance even botox, etc..He just seems unhappy and to me its his problem. And its not just women who wonder this about their partner men ask this about their wives too. Its a journey to get back there, but in the meantime, not being wanted by my husband makes it harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems he wants to live a life seperate of me but Im there in the background caring for baby, cleaning the house, and should be cooking meals. You can bring passion, flirtation, and sexuality into your relationship by making changes to bring back the romance. You can damn well count on anyone spending years in secret watching porn and not having any accountability on what healthy lust vs unhealthy lust will have a slew of unhappy relationships. I also want to point out that your relationship is NOT a good example for your child. Relationship passion wanes, waxes, and fluctuates for many reasons. He is not the same man, to when we started dating! He doesnt kiss, hug or even hold me intimately anymore. Im not sure ill get a response as this article was posted a while ago but here goes, im desperate at this stage. Porn, online chatting with other women. He treats me mostly wonderful. When we go to bed and wake up, there is no kiss before or after or even a hi, good morning or goodnight. Sorry to hear youre going through a hard time. Every night we sleep cuddled up next to one another like we only have a twin size bed. But, I wonder, if she became more engaged in her dreams, stopped being so settled and started showing more engagement in life and her dreams would that increase the attraction? I know hes not cheating or theres other girl because hes always at home when hes not at work. At the same time, the study isnt the most concrete. I am happier now and so is he. Life is too short. He got viagra but I just feel this overwhelming feeling that things are off. Shes always been pretty, but over the years shes neglected herself and really ignored her weight gain. I know everyone reading it will appreciate it (I sure did). You get the picture. Menopause started halfway through last year and I dont even know this woman anymore. I dont want to take her on dates, give gifts, or even touch her. Just like lying that goes unchecked can grow like a cancerous cell, a marriage with an explosive partner can also hurt marital longevity. We are great friends now and I am remarried and he is engaged. He has apologised for being naive and bit dim and for hurting my feelings. We are older in our late 50s. All of varying ages. He said that its possible that he is ejaculating in his sleep. The wife above would be wise to work on her weight, but thats not all thats needed to change her husbands attraction to her. I feel stupid, I apologized and I said Ill try to understand him better. Closure on his day and time he chooses. Hes the sweetest man. 4. Its only human. Healthy and happy couples touch each other. All of these but maybe at most 5 to six have been happening the last month and its killing me. I still feel the same way about him but he isnt interested in making love to me nowjust wants fellatio, and I comply, almost every day and sometimes 3 times a day. It was a rough year for him, financial stress, family stress. I even found out he jerked off on our 1st yr anniversary and we didnt have sex that night. He refuses to take any part in therapy. Oh wow, that just broke my heart to read that. Its a common stereotype that after sex, men distance and roll over like beached whales. Men are not entitled to their sexual fantasies anymore than you and me, and what is setting that tone for what is real to be expected of one another? Ive turned into a really mean almost man like begger. You might like her in heels, but if thats not how she feels sexy then thats not going to work. I tried to bring different ideas into the bedroom. AND I had a breast reduction without my husbands approval. But I cant help that I never have and cant orgasm from penitration alone. Since having our baby hes been home, or working, hes been a great Sometimes I wonder if he loves me as much as I do him. The only way he listens to me is only after I get to the point of yelling to get his attention. However, this is truly painful to me, and J already talked to him about that. Distance. Do you offer counseling for boys or counseling for teens? I have no fucking clue and Im just feeling really self conscious and this has been a cycle of me feeling great and trying, feeling rejected, wondering whats wrong, talking to him, him doing the fake try thing for a week before it lulls back into a sexless, rabbit hole of zero intimacy I have wondered about sexual orientation, because seriously we get along sooooo well and about everything else are totally open. My love for him felt stronger every year that passed. He doesnt blink an eye when I dress sexy. It sounds like you and your partner are learning a lot about each other. Sorry to hear about whats happening Cindy. Than try to even touch me anymore. After many years of marriage, I noticed (in addition to other things) that he wouldnt take pictures with me anymore. Recently we had a huge fight and I had him arrested and retained an attorney, to file for divorce. I know there are ways that Ive gone about it that werent nice and though I meant well just put him down, and now Im so afraid to say anything at all. Can this be a stem from the porn he's been watching since 8 to 29? But there is not a lot of excitement or change in our dating except finding a different spot on a backroad on the way home to do it. I am not saying that your husband is or isnt cheating. Looking at non-sexual behavior is the best way to determine genuine attraction. Im feel so alone and sexually dissatisfied but I do care about him and I am still physically attracted to him. And it can also really zap the romance out of the relationship. When I do, do my hair nicely for him he doesnt notice until I say something. And that if there were to be any hope down the line, he needs to seek professional help and we would also need couple therapy. Its 2022 not 1952, Scarey artical no wonder women prefer to be single, Not sure how you get that there are suggestions to lose weight or get kinky. Im noticing that we cant have any intimacy without her involved. Its a variety of things and the gym, working out, and weight gain is a piece of it. Your marriage can thrive again, your sex can be great again, and your husband can come out of that shell and you two can find connection again. Ask him that. But he looked at women who also displayed horrible personality traits or qualities. He does surface stuff, pays bills, buys me earrings for valentines day. We play video games and music and escape the world together, eating yummy things I cook for us and tickling and giggling. If this happens in your relationship, it could be a sign that hes not attracted to you or a sign of something else. And if things have cooled off because a husband is no longer attracted to his wife what then? We are naughtier than you think. One day you will wake up and know exactly what to do. A lot of women are responsive desire, whereas men are spontaneous desire. I actually realised how low his standards were after I broke up. I had breast cancer and a mastectomy 5 years ago but he married me anyway even though my body is no longer young or attractive. I know he loves me, but it takes more than love to sustain a healthy, long lasting marriage. tHat hasnt changed in 12 years. He used to be out of town for 6 weeks at a time and we would write very steamy sexts to each other during that time. Men only understand ACTION. He said I love Twitter thots they are like porn but real he said that on our anniversary. I have been together with my man for only 3 months. I was really hurt.. i thought i want this relationship to be ended, i want him to regret. Within the relationship I was in some sort of denial. The men in my life have only wanted me for what I can provide to them rather than truly loving me. I really want you to reach out to someone, me or someone else who knows how to coach and understands toxic patterns in marriages. If it really matters make some time to find someone like a trained coach or counselor to speak with. It sounds like he really loves you, and is a sweet invested man. Stop advising other women to leave their husbands. Its as if Im finally freed up to feel my desires.. But I know it was a lie. I have no regrets whatsoever to my decision, not one. Due to certain health struggles that he is battling with right now he told me that he doesnt feel as attractive as he used to when he was younger, stronger and more fit. I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he cant get it up. The issue of being called dude is one issue that depicts a bigger issue of how your partner isnt sweet, cuddly, warm, loving, affectionate, and intimate with you. Luis, your concern is very kind. Anything can be an addiction and sadly many men are running to porn because they dont know how to have intimacy with their partner. Privacy PolicySitemapFeatured logos are trademarks of their respective owners. Men are only attracted to young women. He said that I don't get him aroused. If we can clear those zoomed-out issues, quite often, the intimacy stuff begins to resolve itself or its just much easier to approach the topic and utilize healthy skills to resolve intimacy.
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